You in My Face

Deepest regards to myself because sometimes I hate what I see in the mirror. The reflection stares into my soul, reminiscing on the plaque moments in my life. Like the time I got drugged and couldn’t fend for myself or all the times I let myself slip into the constant state of approval seeking.

And I stand there, lifeless because what is there to say. At times I feel whole. Most times I feel obsolete as I’ve yet to be 100% considered or romanticized or chosen so I sit and suffer like the abandon child left at the orphanage because I would rather that than to hear the half ass excuses or the continued i’m so sorry how can I help or the you’re so lucky to be left alone because no one truly wants to be alone. I’ve been casted abroad by peers. I’ve been displaced by family i’ve been pushed into lockers and tore apart by what I thought was love but in reality, I’ve never known love. Other than what my mom gave but it was always tough, so again what is love?

But the funniest thing is, I do like being alone because that’s what I was forced to do so it’s baseline. Showing up for people who wouldn’t spit on me if I were on fire but my Venus is in pisces and I see the good in everybody. Say I ask if that’s a bad thing? I love how I want to be considered. I find myself questioning the existence of every human because what is love and does everyone have it?

I find myself trapped in this long corridor replaying distance memories over and over and dreaming of times where peace existed. I just want to be normal. I want my brain to rest. I want to be loved and I want to be happy and live out my life in the fantasy world I create for myself.